One of my worst memories of my parents' divorce, to this day is writing the letter to the judge about who I thought would be best for me to live with.
First of all, I completely wrote waaay too much. (I've always been quite the writer ;) I jotted down all of my feelings and how I felt about every little situation I was going through with the divorce. What I regret most of all, was saying that I wanted my mom to have main custody of me. That must have really broke my dad's heart.
My sister is a couple of years older than me so she was 14 or 15 at the time that we had to write this stupid letter. So, she was smart enough to say she wanted them to have equal custody. But the fact of the matter was, I was 12 and I didn't want to live one week here, another week there. I hated the idea of that and I thought the best solution was living with my mother and visiting my dad whenever. I had the mindset of "If I were a mother" I'd want the kids. Well guess what 12 year-old me, if you were a Father you'd want me as much too.
I still think back about that time and think about how my mother brainwashed me. I have a very narcissitic mother, and a push-over, sweet father. My sister was too old to fall for it, but I sure did.
My one piece of advice to mothers or fathers who try to brainwash their kids during a divorce: (i.e. tell them awful things about their ex-spouse or try to make them feel guilty by saying "A mother (father) should have her (his) kids") It's NOT a good idea. They'll figure out what you did later in life and resent you for it. Not only will they resent you but they will be skeptical of most of the things you say later in life. As I am with my mother.
Be as fair as you can with the matter, and honestly, if both parents are in good standings, and equal custody is possible, that's just the way to go. Battling two different houses is such a pain, and God knows it has really stunted me from being as organized as I'd like, but it's only fair.
And CODs: If you notice one parent is trying to gain custody of you (or simply get more of your time) in the beginning of the Divorce, you can damn well be sure that it will be like that for the rest of your life. So prepare yourself. Do the best you can with balancing time between the two of them. It's definitely one of the top 3 hardest things about being a COD. I sure haven't mastered it, and I doubt I ever will.
Such a true and touching piece. It was also very mature of your sister to write she wanted equal time with both parents. What happened with your letter to the judge? Did she/he grant what you asked for?
ReplyDeleteI thought this was great advice, even for those of us who are going through their parents's divorce at a later age (I'm 24). My parents have both tried to "brainwash" me and tell me what the other has done wrong. It got to the point where I had to stop talking to both because of the lies and backstabbing. So tough to do, but a great decision. Thanks for your valuable blog! I've also been blogging about my experiences here: http://lifeasavroom.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteThis makes me so incredibly sad that you had to go through this. I ended up giving my ex essentially full custody of our son because I couldn't stand what the conflict was doing to him...and my ex had already forced him to choose sides years ago.
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