The Battle of Who Got Me

One of my worst memories of my parents' divorce, to this day is writing the letter to the judge about who I thought would be best for me to live with.

First of all, I completely wrote waaay too much. (I've always been quite the writer ;) I jotted down all of my feelings and how I felt about every little situation I was going through with the divorce. What I regret most of all, was saying that I wanted my mom to have main custody of me. That must have really broke my dad's heart.

My sister is a couple of years older than me so she was 14 or 15 at the time that we had to write this stupid letter. So, she was smart enough to say she wanted them to have equal custody. But the fact of the matter was, I was 12 and I didn't want to live one week here, another week there. I hated the idea of that and I thought the best solution was living with my mother and visiting my dad whenever. I had the mindset of "If I were a mother" I'd want the kids. Well guess what 12 year-old me, if you were a Father you'd want me as much too.

I still think back about that time and think about how my mother brainwashed me. I have a very narcissitic mother, and a push-over, sweet father. My sister was too old to fall for it, but I sure did.

My one piece of advice to mothers or fathers who try to brainwash their kids during a divorce: (i.e. tell them awful things about their ex-spouse or try to make them feel guilty by saying "A mother (father) should have her (his) kids") It's NOT a good idea. They'll figure out what you did later in life and resent you for it. Not only will they resent you but they will be skeptical of most of the things you say later in life. As I am with my mother.

Be as fair as you can with the matter, and honestly, if both parents are in good standings, and equal custody is possible, that's just the way to go. Battling two different houses is such a pain, and God knows it has really stunted me from being as organized as I'd like, but it's only fair.

And CODs: If you notice one parent is trying to gain custody of you (or simply get more of your time) in the beginning of the Divorce, you can damn well be sure that it will be like that for the rest of your life. So prepare yourself. Do the best you can with balancing time between the two of them. It's definitely one of the top 3 hardest things about being a COD. I sure haven't mastered it, and I doubt I ever will.

Declining Divorce Rates in the U.S. : My Theory

I have said it over and over again since I was probably about 14 or 15 years-old:  “Divorce rates will lower again, because the children of my generation don’t want to put their kids through it and don’t want to go through what they have seen their parents go through.” And coming upon the age where practically everyone around me is settling down, or talking about settling down and getting married, I still believe this to be true. It won’t be the case for everyone, but I think when my generation is in their 30s, research will be done showing successful marriage rates of CODs (children of divorces) in my generation.

Many statistics out there and research “proves” that if you are a child of divorce, you are more likely to get a divorce yourself. While I can see how this is very likely to be the case of CODs, because there is a ton of research that shows children tend to behave in relationships the way they see their parents behave, I also have a strong belief, [due to the ways of my recently married, 26-year-old sister, and the ways of 26-year-old best friend who is way more cautious about marriage to her boyfriend of 2 years, than I thought she’d be at 26 (who also comes from divorced parents)] that my generation will not want to make the same decision as their now, divorced parents made.

Recent statistics from Totaldivorce.com might just shine a little light on my theory. Divorce rates are at their lowest in 37 years.   I think that’s pretty huge, and because of my theory, I don’t think they will drastically be dropping back down anytime soon.

How do you feel about my theory?

COD vs ACOD: So what IS a COD?

I feel that upon the beginning of my "COD: The Real War" blog, I should clear up a few acronym misunderstandings one might have.

I believe the first time I ever came upon the acronym COD was doing a research paper on Divorce in one of my Sociology courses in college. So, for many of us now-a-days especially my generation and younger, think of COD as the addictive video game Call of Duty but the original meaning of COD is "Child of Divorce" interesting how both have to do with some form of war...

The other acronym I will probably use every now and again is an ACOD (Adult Child of Divorce) the difference between a COD and an ACOD is the difference between another blogger and I. Feeling Barefoot is a great blog about an ACOD and although the two of us probably have many similar stories, the difference is that although I am now an adult, when my parents divorced I was a child. Her parents divorced when she was an adult. Hence the word Adult in front of the acronym. Follow both of us, and you will probably realize that we have two different takes on being in a divorced family.

From talking and reading about ACODs I get the feeling that many of them feel as if their memories are lost or are in vein or because their parents are divorcing when they are an adult, it's as if they don't know who they are anymore. But as a COD, I have always had the feeling of it being a part of me and although when I was 12 and naiive (but thought I was wise) and I told myself being a COD would not effect who I was going to be, it has completely. It is engrained in me and the person I am today is because I am a Child of Divorce. Not a holiday or special occasion goes by that I don't wonder, "Who would I be if my parents stayed together?"

I'm still not sure if one is easier than the other, and honestly, they probably both suck equally.

It Never Stops Being Difficult

As I've said before and as I'm sure I will repeat many more times, when my parents told me about their divorce I was 12, and I thought I was so wise. I told myself that I wasn't going to let my parent's divorce be me, or affect me. That I could handle it and that everything would be fine.

Then when my father met his now, fiance of 10-years, I told myself it would under no circumstances be a situation close to Cinderella and I would never claim her the evil-step-mother.

I was wrong on both accounts.

But then as you grow older and grow through these experiences of divorce, there's a time  probably up until this year, that I actually thought I could move away, get married at some point and it would be better. That I would have more power of how my holidays were spent, of how I was treated, of how my parents talked to me about one another or about how I would spend my time with them.

I thought moving further away from my family once I graduated college would make my parents realize I'm not trying to be around them and their divorce drama and that they'd let up on stressing me out with all that mess.

Wrong again.

Now, I'm just further north, cold, away from all my friends and wishing I lived closer again because maybe I would have more time to split among my parents and things wouldn't be so hard. Although, I'm sure I'd be right back where I started if I did move back to the same state.

Just so you know, if you're a parent about to get a divorce, if you're a COD or an ACOD going through it, 1 year, 5 years or 10+ years, it never stops being difficult.